My anxiety exhibits a lot of time as small regrets, and is generally not world ending. These things tend to bother me a lot over time. I am not sure if that is normal or not, but it sometimes hits me hard, like it did a few minutes ago.
My dad has never known much about his father’s family, except that his father was supposed to be a German tank officer POW from World War II. The other rumor is it might have been a child of rape/incest, but that wasn’t the one referenced by a lot of people in my not so close extended family. The stuff I heard growing up means I still lean towards the first possibility more then the second, but there is no way to really know.
This is when they started advertising doing a DNA test for ancestry.com’s stuff that my dad became very interested in having it done. He brought it up to me that maybe someday I might be able to help him get that Now my parents were super poor (only had social security, and between them they only earned $995 a month, including food stamps) so they wouldn’t ever be able to afford it.
I told them I would get it for them. I saw my dad really wanted to know about where he is from (plus he always loved history stuff).
I originally was going to get it in the fall of 2015, but we were a bit tight on money so I pushed it off (they had a lot of money problems we needed to fix, like a $400 medicine bill). My dad was 67 years old, while in poor health it hadn’t changed in years so I figured I would look into that around Xmas/his birthday.
Then we came up to Christmas and I got him some old Roman coins, which he loved, and I wished I knew how inexpensive collecting coins like that was and how much he would have liked it. I would have bought him stuff like that years ago. However, the cost of buying my four nephew and nieces presents resulted in us spending way more then we should. This is in addition to my parents asked us to spend most of what we would spend on them on the kids as well so they could give the kids those presents.
So I figured I would pick it up for his 68th birthday in March. Sadly his health failed at the beginning of February and he was gone by February 11th.
He was never upset we didn’t get it for him then. He knew we were tight on money and if we got it for his birthday that would be great, if we didn’t that was find to. I also know he would never hold it against me now. Logic doesn’t seem to matter though since it really bothers me sometimes, especially when I get those DNAAncestry emails.
I realize it isn’t rational to be upset by this. He wasn’t upset, why should I. However, that doesn’t change the fact it sometimes really bothers me a lot that I wasn’t able to get him that. This is sadly not unusual, I regret not doing more for them even now, almost 2 years after both my parents are gone.
I know we spent a lot of money and time taking care of my parents, more so then I think I have ever seen anyone else do. They were always thankful and they were always taken care of, but for some reason it never changes how much it makes me upset when I think about how much more they needed and I wasn’t able to supply it.