Food Security and Emotional Issues

I have always had a weird love/hate relationship with food resulting in some issues. I do emotionally eat, counting calories freaks me out and I have the hardest time leaving food on the table.

I grew up extremely poor (living in a car poor). This meant from the age of 8 or 9 on we were on food stamps. Contrary to what the DSHS people said back then (and the conservatives) they do not give you enough food stamps to feed a family. Nowadays DSHS  just say its only supposed “augment” someone, not be the sole food support. That is all fine and good if you are a single or adult couple, but anyone who seriously thinks its ok to only “augment” feeding a child is full of shit.

Living large on those augmented food stamps under that park bench in the state park. We even upgraded to a tent a couple weeks later.

We ate well at the beginning of the month (no, it wasn’t all steak and caviar, fuck you conservatives). By the middle of the month the food was running out and we were living off of food bank contributions. By the end of the month there was donating blood and whatever other ways to scrounge up the money. All of this meant I had stretch marks on my hips and belly.

Coming back from the food bank. I have learned since then how to photograph better.

You heard me right, as a teenager I was skinny, and the weight fluctuations between the beginning of the month and the end of the month left stretch marks on my sides and belly that were there until my early 20s. The girls I was intimate with were usually disturbed by it. Even Wolsey commented on it when we started dating. I didn’t understand that stretch marks weren’t normal. I had just assumed that was normal.

We might have lived in a car, but it was a stylish car.

Food was a big deal in my family. If there was a holiday, or if some emotional trauma occurred my parents would beg, borrow or sell things to buy us something special. On the super rare times, we went out to eat, we finished everything brought to us. Hell, we finished everything at home for the same reasons. You never walked away from your plate with any food on it.

Things have been weird now for 25 years. I have always been ok with food security since I moved in with my husband, I have been in a stable relationship and within a few years my stretch marks left. We have always made enough to cover our bills and groceries and this scarcity hasn’t been an issue.However, I still fight with the following:

  1. I literally have to force myself not to eat all my food on my plate, especially when I am in a restaurant. It freaks me out that it is a waste of money (which it isn’t, and I can afford easily anyways). The thing is I logically know this even if it bothers me a lot.
  2. I can afford to emotionally eat. While it was a great internal relief as a child/teen because it was a rare occurrence, nowadays if I am upset I crave sugar, especially something like jelly beans and licorice I can buy it at will (and I do some of the time).
  3. The worst part is counting calories. I don’t know why, but it makes everything else in my life just explode. I can follow a regimen, eat the same thing every day, but I then get compulsive in checking. Then I just get aggravated, then the hubby gets my venting. We have tried it off and on for years, but counting calories, and diets in general do not work for me. The panic attacks are not worth it. I still can’t tie out why this bothers me.

I thought I would just ramble about this because I am looking at working out more. I would like to build up my stamina (and hey, losing fat isn’t a bad thing). I know that diet is more effective, but I don’t see myself changing my eating habits by a lot. So, I guess I am just explaining why a diet isn’t part of my future conversations about working out. I will try and eat a bit better, but no calorie counting, or crazy (e.g. stupid) diets.

Today was a sharing day.

The Hillbilly Moon Explosion – ‘My Love For Evermore’

I heard the song yesterday (and liked it a lot) and wasn’t familiar with Hillbilly Moon Explosion. The male voice was familiar and I couldn’t place where I had heard him before until I found the video and realized it is the lead singer from Demented Are Go, which the last time I think I heard anything from was “Pervy in the Park” in 1987/88.

Damn I am getting old, his voice got better over the decades (I like the gravely type voices, male or female). I guess old school Punk doesn’t really go away (well hillbilly punk at least).

About Me

Yes it's meWelcome to my new blog. I figure I should start out about me. I am a 40+ your old white male in a wonderful marriage with the most stupendous guy you would ever meet (yes, that is same-sex marriage if that matters to you). He goes by Jello here, so if I write about someone named Jello, that’s him.

I have always been a social justice warrior, being in a same-sex marriage just means I get to fight on the front lines. Don’t think this doesn’t mean I don’t find women attractive, I guess I find everyone attractive. You will find I am not conservative in any aspect and that I am not conventionally religious as well.

I am geeky. I watch Doctor Who, science fiction, roleplaying games and of course video games. I love strategy, history and just about anything in that theme (video game, table top, old school chit games). I even have a Youtube “Let’s Play” channel called “Second String General“.

I also love science, history, art, and by profession I am an auditor with almost a decade of governmental auditing (different levels from local, state and federal). I worked in tax, I used to manage medical clinics and I just love learning things. For this I also have a youtube channel called “Things You Should Know“. I run a lot of different series, ranging from Civil War battles, accounting, biographies and tax. I plan on expanding that as I go.

Oh, and I am starting a normal Youtube channel just person observations, etc that I will probably wrap into here as well.

You will see posts about all of these subjects, plus just personal observations and recipes.

I will update this about me more as time and personal desire allows, until then you will see random posts on everything.