Holidays aren’t so bad.

I realize it has been a long time since I have regularly posted. I had originally planned on 2016 being the year that I got into it again. Yet, it was actually the year of the dumpster fire.

dumpsterfire2

Now that we are in the holidays, things have been a little sad, but I have an awesome husband who takes care of me. Things are picking back up, we are starting the slow tread back out of debt and I couldn’t be happier relationship wise.

I think I am going to try and post at least once a week. There have been many topics in last few weeks I wanted to go in depth with, but I think I let the depression get to me. If things work out, between now and January 1st I will have a wrapup post about everything in 2016 (as a cathartic event) and maybe a post on my goals in 2017 on what I want to accomplish. I don’t think I want to do them in the same post, no cross contamination please.

This week however was great. Hubby cooked me an awesome dinner comprising of the most tasty ham you could ever have, followed by mashed potatoes, glazed carrots and raisin bread. We still have a large store bought pumpkin pie today. This is on top of a previously wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and stuffing with misc things.

So overall the holidays are pretty awesome considering everything else.

Upcoming Thanksgiving

Normally the holidays are a bit stressful from me. Usually my parents would be behind a rock and a hard place cash wise. I would have screaming nephews and nieces who need presents and my siblings are doing whatever they are doing. This doesn’t even include the hubby and I’s personal holiday celebrations. So stress during the holidays was normal (along with a huge cash hit).

Although the holidays can be great too.
Although the holidays can be great too.

Fast forward to this year and I found that it has been stressful last couple of weeks. My sleep pattern has shifted negatively (common during this time of year), and I know I have been raw emotionally in reacting to people. However it is different then previous years.

I am sure my sleep apnea doesn't help.
I am sure my sleep apnea doesn’t help.

Today we went shopping for Thanksgiving for the first time after my parents passing. It’s funny I will go for a bit of time without thinking about them now, but the shopping for Thanksgiving specifically brings back the awkward holidays. Fortunately the drinking ended years ago, but there was always a need for us to spend about $100 extra to feed the rest of the family. I didn’t begrudge my parents, but the rest of the family was a little harder.

Combine this with the last minute requests from my mom was definitely always a stressful time in the holidays. Don’t take it as something I hated, I loved holidays with my parents, even if we constantly threatened we weren’t going to do it the next year. Last year we followed through on our threat and did something different. We had catered thanksgiving with just the hubby, myself and both parents and it was fantastic. Even dad said it was probably the best thanksgiving in a decade. Funny enough, it was also cheaper to cater it for four people than to provide just our portion of the overall homemade Thanksgiving dinner.

The hubby and I have always talked about what it would be like when the holidays were ours. It was always a far off thing, and even at the start of this year we assumed at least another four or five years before things happened. Well that wasn’t how it progressed at and with both parents gone in six months we went from full family to a hard off. We have no intention on meeting with siblings and extended family (the deaths of both parents, but especially dad really tore some holes in those relationships).

The idea of just staying home, enjoying the hubby’s food (and my baking of course) and just watching tv/playing video games was so entrancing. Especially during those years when we did both families and the nightmare of hubby’s parents then to my parents.

So we were wandering around Winco shopping and I was struck with a weird sense of anxiety mixed with sadness. For the first time in a month I had stepped into the grocery store and pulled out my phone automatically as if I was going to call my parents and ask them what they needed for thanksgiving. I caught myself and went back to wandering the aisles with the hubby.

Hubby traversing the wilds of WInco.
Hubby traversing the wilds of WInco.

We wandered through the place, picked up a whole lot of groceries for thanksgiving. I wasn’t necessarily sad, just more nostalgic that I wasn’t picking up stuff for our old trip to Bellingham. We got to the cash register and it was almost $100 cheaper than we normally expect for holidays.

So we came away from Winco and I feel a little bad. I miss my parents and I assume my anxiety will get worse before it gets better. But I am really looking forward to just spending time with the hubby as well.

21st Anniversary

Today is the 21st wedding anniversary with my partner Jello.  I just wanted to comment how much I love him, and that it has been an AWESOME 21 years and I look forward to another 40+ years.

wedding

This is us on Halloween 1992, Jello is on the left 🙂

IMG_1372
This is Jello during Halloween 2013 (I didn’t get one of the two of us, but eventually I need to get a photo of us together).

As a matter of fact I love Jello so much that I am posting it on my transspouse blog and my normal personal blog!

-L

New Years Resolution 2013

I have really been thinking of the resolution for this year. I think I am going to do something different. I think this year I am going to work on accepting me for who I am, not for who I am trying to change into.

I have been reading a lot about nutrition, mental health, and stresses and it seems like the best way to implement happiness is to be able to look at yourself and be happy. Once that happens generally your physical and mental health gets better on its own, instead of having additional anxieties on meeting arbitrary goals.

So there it is, my New Year’s Resolution is to love, and accept myself.

Oh, and maybe a second resolution is to get more posting done 🙂

Christmas Eve

First and foremost, Merry Christmas everyone. I like the decorations, but don’t necessarily celebrate the Christmas religious stuff.

Yesterday was the annual “Christmas Eve” get together. Things have changed drastically over the last 25 years. It used to be the night of a huge party, lots of alcohol and the annual throw the Christmas Tree out the living room window festivity (many times the window was not opened when this happened).

The last few years it has been a mellow family affair with no alcohol, the exchange of small gifts, etc. There was less gifts this year, but thats because no one is doing extremely well financially, but hopefully that will be improving. I baked up a whole ton of cookies/candies and we got out of Seattle around 11. We had meant to get out sooner but the pecan pie wouldn’t cool quick enough. Oh, and I got a cool little Christmas tree from Finnegwyn.

We decided to take the “no highway” path up to Bellingham. It was actually a really cool ride except for the last twenty miles of turns. Next time when we get to Sedro Wooley we will cut back to old 99, a lot more of a straight ride. We didn’t get to town until 2:30, picked up the shoes that Men’s Warehouse forgot to give me and didn’t get to my parents house until a bit after 3pm.By this time I was exhausted, I had literally spent the entire Sunday baking (from 6am to 10pm with a break for food and a couple of sit down breaks).

I woke up at 8am to do the pecan pie (I meant to do it at 6am, but was way too tired, hence why we got out of Seattle late). I delivered the packages to all but ashcake and talkswithwind. Unfortunately we got there so late, that by the time dinner was over we were both wasted. We had wanted to go up to their house, give them a surprise visit and surprise baked goods. But the surprise was on us. I would just hold on to the baked goods, but unfortunately GF goods don’t store that long. I will see about another round of baking Friday if they are coming up Saturday.

We left around 6pm, and got home close to 8pm. I was so damn tired during the drive I was a bit worried a couple of times and probably should have had heresyoftruth drive. This is because I had forgotten to drink any sort of caffeine after 10am. So I chugged down some Starbucks, but no effect until we hit Seattle (which of course was too late). We ended Christmas eve hanging out, found a cockroach that was dying (by chance we have found none this morning, maybe its actually working).

Long Update

I woke up this morning incredibly angry. I don't mean "in a bad mood", I am talking a rip-roaring I would like to crush someone's nose under my fist anger. I do feel much better now, the wife and I went to the mall and got her some shirts, she then got me fed.

I am sure some of my anger comes from no time, finals decompression, and the fact we just got our electricity bill (double what it normally was), it just adds up. Actually I was angry enough that I called up work and cancelled coming in today (and no, I don't want to run a game or have visitors today either, just not in the head-space to share my world paradigm with anyone but W, I love the rest of you, but we had already planned not to play today so this wont change anything except it will give me a breather from all my responsibilities, game still on 23rd). Mostly I cancelled today with work because there is no way I could handle my manager.
 
There is a lot of ranting, to save your friends page and to avoid making you have to read my inane ramblings I will cut most of it. I will post about school after I get my grades finalized (and that is another stress factor, how the fuck long does it take to grade a multiple choice test)
 
I will start with the Xmas Party. The wife and I have both been a little tense about this. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't really fit in with the upper class. I like my coworkers, but there is not very many of them I have any similarities with.
 
The wife and I started Saturday looking for presents. We are supposed to buy $10 presents each for a blind gift exchange. This was annoying because when I signed up for the Xmas party, I was told there were no gifts required. I don't have a problem spending $20 total, but honestly we are still pulling ourselves out of the hole, and I hate the consumerish pressure that gets given out at Christmas.
 
We end up going to the "Lucky Monkey". It's downtown, and its a very neat little import/kitchey type of shop. After several minutes of looking for two $10 gifts  we end up getting two identical presents, they were little wooden gift boxes with different types of tops (different designs). In each one we bought a "lucky kitty" statue and a Guatemala Worry Doll to fill up the box.
 
We leave the house at 5:30pm, the dinner is at some restaurant named "Grammy's". We get there at 5:45 (party starts at 6pm). There we met Dr. C and his wife. Dr. C is an awesome older man, his wife is very nice, but I think very aware of her station. We stood around looking scared (wife and I) as more and more people arrived. Soon it was packed with 26+ people, I knew half, the other half were of course the first half's significant others. The wife and I both still kind of stood around, not really fitting in we were talked to by a few of the workers, and my manager, but not for very long. 
 
The wait/cook staff actually talked to us quite a bit more, we all discussed the world and how things were going and in short I was pleased with the mingling we did with the staff.Dr. C's wife seemed a bit put off by the fact that wifey and I did not drink, we asked for non-alcoholic drinks (which the staff happily gave us).
 
Dinner came (an hour after the party officially started, we were starving). We sat next to P and her husband G (names hidden for their privacy). They are both pretty nice (P is the one who works my M-Th shifts now that I am in class). Her husband works as an engineer for a security firm and they both seem very down to earth. L (a dental assistant), El and her Husband (also a dental assistant sat with us along with Dr. C and his wife).
 
Dinner was awesome, I take my hat of to Grammy's. True, Gabe cooks better, it by no means diminishes how well they did. I had a vegetarian alfredo dish with Portabello Mushrooms. It was good (but would have later effects I may or may not go into). Dinner at the table went by relatively smoothly, the wait staff kept checking up specifically on me and W and I think it annoyed Dr. C's wife that they didn't ask her nearly as much if things were going ok. Its sad, even though I know in my future as a CPA I will have to go to shindigs like that, I would rather be on the other side of the register (working as part of the staff), I am just not comfortable with the official dinner like proceedings.
 
Oh I forgot to mention the wife and I never approached the appetizer bar before the dinner, it was surrounded by coworkers/significant others and they wouldn't let the work staff in to refill the appetizers, it was like they didn't even notice the work staff. I always wondered if thats how it was (you hear it sometimes in movies and books that the help are "invisible").
 
After dinner Dr. C's wife announced that three of the plates (one at each table) had a note under it saying "Merry Christmas" it meant whoever had it won the christmas center piece at each table (really was looking to me like a Kmart center piece of red and green, although I am sure it came from a upper income store). For some reason at our table no one had a note, so Dr. C's wife had us all pick numbers.
 
I ended up winning it, however just as I won it, someone at another table had a second note (the notes were not evenly distributed). I told Dr. C's wife by all means give the center piece to that person, they won it fair and square. Later El commented how gracious I was, I neglected to tell her I thought the center piece was horrible looking and I didn't want it to begin with, she didn't need to know that.
 
After the meal we were informed that we were to go back to Dr. C's house. The wifey and I got outside and found it incredibly funny to see all these new cars (Lexus SUV, Mercedes Sedan, brand new Ford Ranger pickup) and then there was our rusted out 1989 GMC pickup. We were amused because we knew out of 13 cars, we had the only one paid outright. Sometimes I just look at the money people spend on "high end" products, I just don't even understand.
 
We got to Dr. C's house and it was huge. It was wired for outdoor music, and literally couldn't have been smaller then 5,000 square feet (and I am sure it was quite a bit bigger then that). It was on prime beach front property and the inside everything was "Neiman Marcus" style. The only really funny thing was there were pictures of their dog "Buster" everywhere.
 
Now, during this whole time Dr. C would go out of his way to entertain everyone. Please do not confuse my amazement at the height of consumerism going on to imply that Dr. C was nothing but a very genial host who made sure to talk to us repeatedly and to try and make us feel welcome (Dr. W and his wife also were very very nice, Dr W's wife was a very down home kind of feeling to her, I like her alot).
 
Dr. C went out of his way several times during the night to offer me and W something first (refreshment, pie, etc). This was going fine and there were numerous tiny conversations we had with others that will probably get talked about over time. Eventually there was the "gift giving" phase. It consisted of us setting all of the gifts in the middle then drawing random numbers. The idea was, when it was your turn you could select a gift and open it. There were two additional gifts (given by Dr. C's wife), one was a "very good gift" the other was a "gag" gift. Those gifts could not be opened. A person would select a gift they wanted. The next person in line could then either take the first person (or any previous person's) gift or take a new one. There were lots of funny moments (the digital tire air pressure gauge was very popular and even though it was taken from W by Dr C's wife (who didn't even really want it, she just did it to stir things up) I was able to get it back for her and secure the REI card.
 
It was a cut throat game though, I didn't think anyone would really push to get those two "unopened" but I saw no holds barred greed as people kept grabbing for those two gifts. Actually it kind of made me sick, it seemed inappropriate for a "Christmas" party, somehow I think Jesus would not approve.
 
As the party wound down I talked with Dr. W about what I was doing next week. He mentioned that we were very short on time and things had to be done in 10 work days. I looked at him confused and mentioned that the manager had said it would take much longer. Dr. W's wife looked unhappy for a brief second that my manager thinks that. I then reassured Dr. W that I would take care of it. for him
 
This means I may be working a lot of hours next two weeks (although part of me wonders if it wont be that bad).
 
The wife and I then left, came home whereupon I spent most of the night with my stomach/reflux killing me.
 
So here I am exhausted, in a bad mood from lack of sleep and unable to do anything but nap.
 

Halloween Sadness

I remember growing up in the '70's and early-mid '80s. Halloween was the best holiday ever. We would get dressed and by 6pm my parents would take us out to hit up the neighborhood.

I remember getting home around 8ish, with an entire pillowcase full of candy. Even though we would eat so much candy on Halloween that we would get sick we still always had enough candy to to last late into November.
 
I remember the smiling faces of people handing out candy, and the race to hit all the "good" houses before they ran out. This nebulous running out almost never happened but we were always worried. Up until I was 11 we would hit up our 80 unit apartment complex and then venture out into the projects (we lived in the projects, but for some reason we never thought of our complex as part of the projects, then again my friends who lived in "the projects" never thought their places were in the projects but that I lived in them). 
 
It was such a cool experience, a lot of the older people went all out with decorations and would always talk with each child about their costume. I remember a couple of older couples that gave out full size candy bars, not the weeny little bars, they of course were our childhood favorite places to trick or treat.
 
For the last 10 years we have gotten almost no trick or treaters to our door. Yes the whole poison and razor blade scare freaks people out. But as it turns out all of the poison incidents turned out to be family members of the victim. Yet the media hypes the fear and erodes our trust in our neighbors. Unfortunately this is just a sad symptom of the rest of society's paranoia and trust.
 
For the last five years the only trick or treaters were my nephew and niece and once we had a little boy in a tiger suit. LOL of course he got almost a whole bag of candy from us (we had like 4 bags and no other trick or treaters) he was so cute.
 
I am kind of sad about what is happening. Sure the mall is neat, but the entire outlook of taking your kids around the neighborhood was such a cool thing. Sadly enough I kind of looked forward to decorating the house, having candy and maybe even setting up a way to scare the little trick or treaters. At least that was my desire when I got too old to trick or treat myself. But here I am 18-20 years later since I went trick or treating myself and I no longer really try and decorate and this year is the first year I didn't even buy a "just in case a kid shows up" bag of candy.
 
It really does sadden me. I don't think the reason trick or treating stopped is because there was any real danger, rather I think as a society we have gotten so scared and so overly paranoid that its destroying what actually made us a great society.
 
I never thought I would ever think of the "good old days" but at least with Halloween that seems to be the case (of course its great its my wedding anniversary as well, but just sad about the whole trick or treat thing).