Dreams: A Dark Night and a Patio Door

I had a dream a few days ago, there were a lot of specifics that have faded away, but the root part of the dream still haunts me.

I was in some sort of apartment that was second floor or higher. I was standing in the living room and somebody was talking to me as I was staring out into the dark night. My eyes rested on a  building that was almost kitty corner to me. Instead of it facing towards me though, it was facing 90 degrees, which made the two buildings form an L shape, with a sort of courtyard in the middle.

This was late at night, I could see flashes of light in the distance, and I could see fairly well into an apartment in that building, one story above my level. As if it was the third level of an almost identical building compared to my second level. Both the other apartment, and mine had patio doors that led to nowhere. These were glass like doors that weren’t open at the time, but seemed to open out to a fall of two or three stories.

While I was watching that other door, I started putting on some sort of coat. I think now that it was some sort of rain poncho/rain coat. As I was doing that I saw my dad in that window. He was in his late 40s/early 50s with longer hair. He turned and looked at me from that patio door when all of sudden his face had this look of terror on it as he watched me and he started slamming on the patio door, almost knocking it out. I could see him screaming in horror, rendering himself hoarse.

I was panicking, worrying that he was going to fall out the window and get hurt or die. I could hear muffled screams as his fists slammed harder and harder into the glass (never breaking it). I was trying to figure out a way to get over behind his building and get up to him (because for some reason that was what my mind thought, the only way to get there is to run behind the building). That was when I realized he was trying to warn me, he was looking at something behind me, screaming at me about something. 

The moment the realization that he wasn’t scared for himself, but for me and he was looking behind me was when I woke up.

I got up Saturday morning around 2am, didn’t go back to bed and this dream has been bothering me ever since. I hope writing it out helps like my other dreams and it fades.

 

Dreams: Jail and the Jello

This was a slightly more unusual dream for me. I don’t normally dream about jail or prison, at least not since I am adult and my dad stopped going to jail.

It started with both the hubby and I in jail. It seemed like somewhere in Arizona, we were both arrested and behind bars. It didn’t seem that people knew we were married. The charges weren’t super bad, but it wasn’t just some overnight stay because of a rough night either.

We spent most of the time talking about whether or not they would ever catch the hubby’s trans status. I was fairly sure that would never be detected. He was post surgery like now and there was no reason for them to notice anything.

He did appear slightly more androgynous than he does in reality. He was more slender (without breasts or hips, just smaller like he was when he was very sick). He also appeared like he was wearing eyeliner when he wasn’t. I suspect that is my memory from pre-transition where he wore eyeliner most of the time. He was also covered in a lot more tattoos then he is now (and he has a lot now).

We were talking about what we were going to do when we got out, and he wanted to go down to meet up with some people so we could make some money. Evidently we did a lot of illegal activities (thinking more like Shadowrun cool type things, and not reality banal/stupid shit). It caught me off guard in the dream, since in full disclosure it was the hubby who kept me from following family friends into an MC (also from joining the Army, but that is a separate story).

The rest of the dream is fading now, I just remember being worried about him being discovered though, since we were going to be stuck in jail for more than a few days. We wandered around the jail (more like a prison set up), just chatting. The biggest memory, how much I loved his eyes. Not in a serial killer can I keep them in a jar way, rather in a “I love to look into his eyes” kind of way. I was then awaken by a cat smacking me in the face.

I think overall it is just my post-surgery anxiety. I also suspect the location of an Arizona jail is directly because of being stuck in an Arizona hotel room for 9 days.

Dreams: Packages and Mom

Dreams Road SignI don’t really have a witty title for this dream, I wouldn’t call it a nightmare really, or even a bad dream, but it did wake me up and I needed to write it here. Because I only woke up three or four minutes ago, please forgive the grammar/spelling issues.

I was sitting in a living room, sort of similar to my mom’s parents old house. I have very little memories of the house, but it seemed to fit. The room was bathed in a morning light, bright, but diffuse with the curtains, sort of a golden yellowish light.

I looked around the room and there were packages everywhere, getting ready to be delivered. I noticed a very large package sitting in the chair. I never really saw the outside edges of the package because I noticed the package had a hole at the top front.

I could make out a person inside. Part of me knew exactly what I was looking at, even if in that horrible dreamlike state it still moved forward with a “reveal”.

Looking back at me was an older woman, although not quite as old as I remember, the last five months of her life without my dad had aged her. Her skin had a waxy complexion, with what appeared to be warbles. It looked like her body had been through a rough time after she had been embalmed. The reason I thought she was embalmed was the same waxy look my grandparents had when they were buried.

A side note, my mom wasn’t embalmed, both my dad and mom wanted no embalming at all, so I knew even in the dream that it must be a dream, at least part of me did.

Her eyes are what caught me. They were different, damaged, or else changed in a way that I couldn’t tell. I want to say they were golden, almost cat-like in color but with my colorblindness that may not even be what they were. Her eyes would have been a focal point in filming her if it was a monster movie, slowing panning across them. As I was looking at her eyes, trying to figure out what was going on, they shifted and looked back at me.

The dream stuttered for a moment, and then there I was same place, with my mom sitting in the chair (the packaging was gone). Everything else was the same. She had the same complexion, the same weird goldenish eyes that didn’t look right. Her hair looked like it had been dyed sometime recently, it had that straw-like crackle to it, but it wasn’t grey.

We were talking as if we meant to see each other. She was asking me how I was doing, how the hubby was doing, and what had happened after she was gone. It was a very nonchalant conversation.

I then apologized for her eyes and told her I had them donated when she passed, and while they found they couldn’t use them for a cornea transplant, they could use it for research (this is indeed what happened). It dawned on me that is what was wrong with her eyes, the corneas had been removed.

I told her that it is almost a year since she had passed (July 2016). She was reassuring, even with those eyes staring at me. She seemed pleased I had tried. We continued to talk, but the dream was fading.  I knew she loved us, and she knew we loved her..

I woke up, hubby woke up a bit too and I told him a little bit about the dream. He reassured me and I told him to go back to sleep, he needed it. He has a lot of recovering to do. Finally he fell back asleep.

Even as I was in the dream, I knew this dream is more of me dealing with the hubby’s surgery, especially since this is the first major thing I have had to work through (his surgery) without having them still here to talk to me and reassure me that things were going to be ok (well, their deaths was the first time actually, but that doesn’t count).

So I wrote it up here in the dark hotel room, listening to my husband beside me snore and the random HGTV show on the TV.

I am just sitting here missing my mom.

Do something for us

I woke up this morning with a dream that spanned most of the night, even with waking up multiple times. I had to think about it, so a lot of it has disappeared but here is what I remember. The dream is in blue, my commentary is normal black.

I was sitting around a house, the hubby was there and we were talking with some people. A woman sat down next to me, younger but not teen or early early twenties. We were talking and she led me to another part of the house. At first the room looked like our bedroom in our downstairs apartment on Unity Street.

It wasn’t really a bedroom when we lived in it in real life, it was a old living room with a picture window, but the way the house had been cut into apartments it became our bedroom.

There were a couple of couches spread across the room and she sat with me. She was chatting and flirting with me. We sat there talking for awhile and she introduced me to her other friends there (both men and women, and all younger than me, but once again older than their teens/early twenties). They were all very friendly and they seemed to be close with each other.

Time seemed to progress, a couple other girls and a boy were flirty, but they were all concerned about something. I asked them what was wrong and some sort of issue with another group. They all seemed nice, but were never clear about what they needed or what was happening. They seemed to like me, the flirty got a little more hands on, but something about it bothered me and didn’t go too far. I stopped and focused on trying to know who these people were and what they needed.

Something about them hit my need to protect someone, but it was weird enough I wanted to know why I felt that way. They were all younger than me, and while they recognized I was older they were friendly in that “he is just a big dog we picked up in the streets” way. Like I was an adopted stray. It was weird.

They kept approaching me, encouraging me to be intimate with them. However, I was bothered by it. They were ok with it, they didn’t react badly at all and were even vocally ok and asked me to do it. But they didn’t seem interested. It bothered me, so I didn’t try to do anything more, which seemed to throw them off. The conversation kept going, and they kept talking about everyone needs to do something specific, they wanted my help but still weren’t clear about what it was. As a side note, I never found my clothes again, and I spent the rest of the dream wondering where they hell my clothes were.

At some point there was a large hole in the living room floor, it was lit up and I never could tell what was down at the bottom (or maybe I don’t remember). A lot of the people were standing around it (maybe it was a well or pool) and when I was looking down (or attempting to) I put my arm out in front of a young lady who was also there. She looked like she was going to fall in when she was leaning over.

Evidently that was strange to them. They kept asking me why would I do that? Why was I worried for them, and that it wasn’t a big deal. At first I wrote it off as youthful thinking, but it just seemed odd. I kept thinking about it and that bothered me a lot, why wouldn’t I be a bit protective and want to make sure someone didn’t get hurt? The whole time they kept asking me if I would do something for them. I still could never make out exactly what they were saying when they mentioned the actual thing they wanted done.

Little conversations happened when I saw my hubby step out of another bedroom, he was buttoning his shirt and pants back on and I went over to see him. A cute guy was smiling from the other side of the door and I gave him a friendly wave. I turned to my hubby and asked where he was going and what he was doing. He stopped and looked up at me and said he couldn’t tell me. He was going to do something for the group but he couldn’t tell me. That floored me. I was so confused and I asked again and he said something about how I know I can’t ask. We have to keep it to ourselves.

It really bothered me a lot. That is when I was positive no matter what this was a bad place. Jello (hubby) has never kept anything from me, even if would hurt me or make me upset (and the same in return). Not at any point in time in our 25 year marriage (to my knowledge) has he said that. I woke up so angry, not at the hubby, just that the group were assholes, angry I felt protective over them, and wondering what the fuck that dream was about.

Ya, I know it was a bit of a weird dream. I am trying to keep recording these and so I suspect you will get lots of bits of weirdness from me and definitely TMI.

8-2-15 Shadowrun Dreams

The sign for my dreams probably creepier.
The sign for my dreams is probably creepier.

Had a strange dream that I woke up pretty early from. It was a group of us sitting around, I believe myself, Jello, maybe Ted, Torie and maybe Sean. Also there were both of my parents (older).

We were going through a pile of Shadowrun books, mostly trying to figure out weapons and characters. Something about a submarine was involved as well. There were pictures we were trying to refer back to, and I think Jello was asking about a specific picture but we couldn’t find which book.

During this I mentioned some of the books were mine (I believe there was an “ork” book for Shadowrun I had in my hand). My mom mentioned for some reason that that specific book wasn’t mine. I popped it open and was expecting my name to be in the front page but it wasn’t. It had someone else’s name. I was sure it was actually my book, since none of our group had owned the book. I flipped through that book and a couple other books and while I did that, the books came apart at the binding.

Meanwhile my mom started talking about terrorism. Some things seemed right, some things I tried to correct her on. I ended up waking up alarmed and uncomfortable. Nothing bad had happened, no issues, no monsters, no one hurt. Not sure what was up with that dream.

Dreams

Strange dreams all night, the one with the most impact had me sitting in a burned out house, in the dark, and talking to my stillborn brother.

That hit hard.

It started with me sitting in what appeared to be a war torn area (or maybe super impoverished like Detroit, the destruction is similar).

It was cold, wet and dark out with sirens in the distance. I couldn’t really see much in front of me, just a cold mustiness with flashes of cop lights in the distance.

I was talking with someone a bit younger than me. I honestly don’t remember what I was saying, just that it was heavy.

I couldn’t see him clearly, and he kept listening. After I had finished it was silent for a few minutes. I could feel him lean forward and touch my arm, I think it was meant reassuringly. That is when I recognized who he was and I snapped wide awake laying in bed beside jello.

Normally that isn’t the brother I dream about. Normally it’s “Bear”, my actual living brother I talk with sometimes.

Dream definitely set me off in a weird mood today.

First time in a long time

I was awoken this morning at 1:28am. It sort of caught me off guard really, I haven't been woken up like this in a few months. Even now almost a half an hour later I am still disorientated. I even considered doing a video post, mainly because I never do, but I saw what I looked like and gave up on that.

The dream that woke me up is gone now. I am sure it was caused by a pile of different things, including work, parental items, meeting new people, and maybe just being old. Overall I am sure it is just another anxiety dream. Nothing new, but frustrating nonetheless.

The strange part to it really wasn't the dream though. When I woke up I laid in bed for a little bit. I couldn't move, but I swear I could hear things. Now, its fairly warm right now so our windows are on and we have fans all over the house going. But it sounded like someone was in our apartment and I couldn't go back to sleep. Unfortunately I couldn't get up either, the sleep paralysis hadn't worn off all the way. So  I laid there wondering if someone was inside the apartment, or if the fan was carrying voices up from the under-apartment parking area (which happens all the time anyways).

It is funny though, for a brief moment I wondered if there were people in the apartment, if I would be able to move to stop them from taking stuff. Yet I still couldn't work out of the sleep paralysis (I know it has a name, but I can't remember it and evidently I can't be bothered to google it). I also considered I could still be asleep enough that my mind was in a dream state while I was in a waking state (which is probably another way to say the sleep paralysis thing I guess). The one other thought that bothered me was maybe I was having a psychotic break and that what I was hearing wasn't real at all…. that was a weird thought to have.

Well now that I have been up for 30 minutes things have mellowed out. I am in the living room listening to the rain fall, oh and the hamster running in his wheel thing. My anxiety or whatever it was has pretty much passed. So I will try and go back to bed for a few more hours of sleep, after having posted a useless entry 🙂

PS: its Hypnopomic or postormtal form sleep paralysis (I had to look it up here: http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/paralysis.html)