Almost larping (dream)

It was a seemingly innocuous dream, but for some reason it bothered me a lot.

The hubby and I were with a group of people, some of whom we know from other larping events. We were all discussing a new larp and we found that it really wasn’t a very interesting thing. The weird thing is hubby was still my hubby (yes still Wolsey), but I can’t remember if this was pre-transition hubby or my new improved hubby. All I remember was he had short blonde hair and I still remembered him as my husband, not my wife.

This is how hubby’s hair appeared, but I think he was appearing like he does now otherwise.

Then all of us plus a bunch of new people were sitting at a restaurant, it appeared like some sort of Denny’s or Sharis. It was sunny outside, not super warm, but warm enough that no one was bundled in hats or heavy coats.

Hubby was still there talking, and I was working on something about a larp, or maybe it was tabletop, but I do think it was a larp with a map. I was marking a map indicating how we the group should travel. It started somewhere southwest, went west to the coast, then up the west coast and into Canada.

I couldn’t tell you why but I was so pissed about something. Nothing had happened in the dream, but it was there.

All of a sudden hubby got up with a group of people and started walking away down the street. He hadn’t said a word to me and I was confused. I started to get up but he indicated not to make it a big deal and let him walk off.

So I just grabbed my backpack and started walking the other direction super pissed. Even in the dream I wasn’t sure why he was walking off, for some reason though I absolutely hated the group he was walking off with, no explanation in dream why.

That is when I woke up.

Overall the dream lasted most of the night, although I did get a good amount of sleep. The annoyance I felt in the dream was reminiscent of some of my larping times. Mostly it was when the hubby (pre-transition) would wander off with a specific player/character at a game. That player, let’s call him E, was a douchebag to women.

It wasn’t that I was jealous of my then wife roleplaying dating someone else at the time, it was specifically him that set off everything.

Wolsey had in-game dated others and it never bothered me, but for some reason this dream set off the feelings of dislike I had for this one gentleman, even though there was nothing about dating at all in the dream.

I think I will unpack this today and maybe post something reflective later.

Dream: Pug

Yep, another post about another dream.

Trigger Warning: Not a pleasant dream (not bloody, but not pleasant).

Last night I had one of those dreams that skips across drifting awake and back to sleep.

It lasted over several hours but I couldn’t tell if I had dreams in between of different things. It wasn’t a horrible dream for almost all of it.

It took place somewhere similar to Bellingham, a green smaller city lacking the heavy traffic of Seattle suburbs. There were lots of trees, it was quiet and smelled clean.

I spent most of the dream wandering around residential neighborhoods. It was the hubby and myself with bit parts of some of my friends and a lot of characters I didn’t know. It all seemed to take place around this large residential apartment building.

The building itself was probably 5-6 stories tall and it was one of those stairs only apartments. On the outside of each floor ran a full size balcony/walkway. People’s apartments opened up onto the balcony, with an almost five foot tall railing.

Each floor was like this except 5+ stories tall with wooden railings.

The dream had some bits about a small outbreak of zombies or something, a bit urban fantasy like in its setting. We were running around and doing stuff. This whole time though was an older man with a black pug dog, fairly young dog I think, but not quite a tiny puppy. The pug was on a small cart the man was pushing around, like a flatbed cart, but smaller and could fit on the walkway. The pug was constantly being pushed along in a flatbed cart.

Evidently I knew him and talked to the man a couple of times. He resembled my father-in-law a lot except with slightly asian appearance (not sure as someone awake how that works, but that is how it was in the dream). He was always talking cute to the pug, saying things like “aren’t you a good boy, lets go get  so and so”.

The dream continued on with small things, even the zombies or the smell of them occasionally wafting didn’t bother me at all. However we were up on the fifth floor and the gentleman with the pug was racing around with the cart playing with his dog raced by me, stopped to go around the corner and the pug slid off the cart and over the balcony.

I froze and I all I could think is “Holy fuck, the puppy” and I ran over to the edge and I could see the pup down on the ground below. He was sprawled out, no blood but not moving either. For some reason, the picture of the sidewalk that was parallel to the road with a grass strip on either side stuck out to me. I grabbed the person next to me as I looked at the gentleman and I could see a look of horror. I started yelling for the guy’s niece to go to him as we ran downstairs.

I started running downstairs and that is when I woke up, trying to launch myself off the bed.

I realized where I was and that the hubby was still snoring, but our cat Ghost was staring at me like I was crazy (he was sleeping between me and the hubby). I laid there for almost an hour before getting up and writing about it. Still bothered me a lot, more than a lot of the horror, blood and guts dreams I sometimes have. Even right now my heart is still racing and I am stupidly worrying about some pug that only exists in a dream.

Dream: Wind chimes

Last night I had multiple small dreams. I don’t remember most of them, but I do know they had to do with my husband’s real life work situation and him being harassed by one of the management.

Surprisingly enough I don’t think it has anything to do with his being transgendered, or in a same sex marriage with me, but rather just because one of our supervisors is a complete selfish, asshole who targets people if they don’t like you for any reason.

The weird thing though is right before I woke up the wind must have picked up and it is a bit stormy. My final dream melted into one about me sitting around a coffee table with my parents, much like I did for most of my life when I would go over and visit them in the morning.

It was still dark outside, but all their lights were on and it had that warm glow their apartment would get. We were sitting there drinking the morning instant coffee and watching Good Morning America. I don’t recall most of what we were talking about specifically but when I was sitting there I could hear their wind chimes outside.

Mid-morning coffee with Jimbo, Mom and Dad.

My parents always had wind chimes, even when we were homeless for more than 18 months and lived in a car they had a tiny one. Sometimes the chimes would be in poor shape, but never for too long. They liked listening to them during windy days and it was fairly soothing.

I do recall in the dream that the last thing we talked about was Wolsey, and his getting harassed at work. I know they were reassuring, and if it follows true to life they would have been talking about money isn’t worth being upset, which fits into upcoming posts perfectly.

The whole time as we talked their chimes were softly chiming outside.

Being upset with my husband’s situation only lasted until I realized I could hear our wind chimes in real life. I bought two sets of wind chimes last spring. They both were to be tested to see which one I wanted to put on my parents’ grave (which surprisingly has been up over their grave and still there 7 months later). The second one we put outside our bedroom window on the deck.

This is the first time in seven months (since Wolsey and I put it up) that I heard the wind chimes move on their own. It was a soft tinkling sound that at first I wasn’t sure if it was a real sound, or just the chimes from the dream.

I laid there for a while thinking about my parents, about Wolsey’s supervisor and about how angry that supervisor makes me. The chimes surprisingly enough didn’t cause me any grief over my parents, they brought a smile to my face.

Sure, I am missing them, but there is an irrational part of me that believes they still touch my life, and always will. They loved the hubby and I both, last words out of their mouths to us was both how proud they were of us and how they loved us. I know what they would say to the hideous situation that W is in and how much they would care.

Fuck that supervisor.

Dream: A Dark Night and a Patio Door

I had a dream a few days ago, there were a lot of specifics that have faded away, but the root part of the dream still haunts me.

I was in some sort of apartment that was second floor or higher. I was standing in the living room and somebody was talking to me as I was staring out into the dark night. My eyes rested on a  building that was almost kitty corner to me. Instead of it facing towards me though, it was facing 90 degrees, which made the two buildings form an L shape, with a sort of courtyard in the middle.

This was late at night, I could see flashes of light in the distance, and I could see fairly well into an apartment in that building, one story above my level. As if it was the third level of an almost identical building compared to my second level. Both the other apartment, and mine had patio doors that led to nowhere. These were glass like doors that weren’t open at the time, but seemed to open out to a fall of two or three stories.

While I was watching that other door, I started putting on some sort of coat. I think now that it was some sort of rain poncho/rain coat. As I was doing that I saw my dad in that window. He was in his late 40s/early 50s with longer hair. He turned and looked at me from that patio door when all of sudden his face had this look of terror on it as he watched me and he started slamming on the patio door, almost knocking it out. I could see him screaming in horror, rendering himself hoarse.

I was panicking, worrying that he was going to fall out the window and get hurt or die. I could hear muffled screams as his fists slammed harder and harder into the glass (never breaking it). I was trying to figure out a way to get over behind his building and get up to him (because for some reason that was what my mind thought, the only way to get there is to run behind the building). That was when I realized he was trying to warn me, he was looking at something behind me, screaming at me about something. 

The moment the realization that he wasn’t scared for himself, but for me and he was looking behind me was when I woke up.

I got up Saturday morning around 2am, didn’t go back to bed and this dream has been bothering me ever since. I hope writing it out helps like my other dreams and it fades.

 

Dream: Jail and the Jello

This was a slightly more unusual dream for me. I don’t normally dream about jail or prison, at least not since I am adult and my dad stopped going to jail.

It started with both the hubby and I in jail. It seemed like somewhere in Arizona, we were both arrested and behind bars. It didn’t seem that people knew we were married. The charges weren’t super bad, but it wasn’t just some overnight stay because of a rough night either.

We spent most of the time talking about whether or not they would ever catch the hubby’s trans status. I was fairly sure that would never be detected. He was post surgery like now and there was no reason for them to notice anything.

He did appear slightly more androgynous than he does in reality. He was more slender (without breasts or hips, just smaller like he was when he was very sick). He also appeared like he was wearing eyeliner when he wasn’t. I suspect that is my memory from pre-transition where he wore eyeliner most of the time. He was also covered in a lot more tattoos then he is now (and he has a lot now).

We were talking about what we were going to do when we got out, and he wanted to go down to meet up with some people so we could make some money. Evidently we did a lot of illegal activities (thinking more like Shadowrun cool type things, and not reality banal/stupid shit). It caught me off guard in the dream, since in full disclosure it was the hubby who kept me from following family friends into an MC (also from joining the Army, but that is a separate story).

The rest of the dream is fading now, I just remember being worried about him being discovered though, since we were going to be stuck in jail for more than a few days. We wandered around the jail (more like a prison set up), just chatting. The biggest memory, how much I loved his eyes. Not in a serial killer can I keep them in a jar way, rather in a “I love to look into his eyes” kind of way. I was then awaken by a cat smacking me in the face.

I think overall it is just my post-surgery anxiety. I also suspect the location of an Arizona jail is directly because of being stuck in an Arizona hotel room for 9 days.

Dream: Corner Store

I woke up this morning with not a horrible dream, but there was something urgent to it. I think it was mostly me processing the hubby’s surgery.

The hubby and I were wandering around, getting him dressed in new clothes. This was post bottom surgery in upcoming November (2017) and he was looking good. As we wandered around the store the looks only got better. I am not sure, but at some point it time I realized it was a bodega that sold clothes he liked. Which is ironic since he hates bodegas.

After a lot of walking and talking that I don’t remember now that I am posting, we wandered up to the cash register. Before we got there to pay, I heard a car pull in and looked out the window to see a pickup truck come rolling in to a stop. It was a rattle canned Mazda pickup that we owned in the mid 9os, but it was the color of our GMC pickup we gave to my dad 10-15 years later. The truck was a conglomeration of two different time periods that we owned a truck (we have owned a truck three times in our relationship).

Out of the car stepped the hubby, pre-transition. He (appearing as a she at the time) was wearing boots, a red dress and had bleach blond hair. I looked back at my hubby and was really confused, as was he. It at least reassured me that my hubby was still beside me, and that he saw “her” as well. The young lady form of him walked up to the counter in a spastic manner that the hubby does even know, paid for something and walked out. I grabbed my current incarnation of a husband and said something about a time loop, or maybe a parallel world (yes, I guess a gamer might think that).

This is what he looked like age wise, including the hair.

 

This dress was the focus with combat boots.

I stepped outside yelling one of Wolsey’s old names (the dress was before our mobile home which means it was 2000 but he looked like when he was 34, which was 2005-6, both of these facts were when he had different names, the dress was before he had taken my last name, the person inside the dress was before he changed his first name to what it currently was). 

We ran out there, but that is when the dream sort of fizzled out. I felt like I couldn’t catch up with my pre-transition husband to tell him something important, and it really was making me anxious.

I think it was to tell him it was ok. Not yet determined specifically what “ok” was, but now I get the impression it was to tell him it was ok to transition. This would be about 10 years earlier then he did judging on how he looked in the dress. I felt like I was failing that person in the dress by not catching up to them, thus failing the person beside me. That is when my eyes opened up and I was awake.

It wasn’t a bad dream, I am sure it is me processing his surgery, but I woke up anxious. Not angry, scared or upset about how he is looking currently, he looks great, I find him hot. It did wake me up though anxious that I am not able to run quite like I did 20 years ago to catch up with him.

The red dress was one of two dresses he wore that have always stuck with me. The red dress in that picture above, and a purplish/tie-dyed sort of effect krinolin dress he wore when we originally got together. Both of those dresses always stuck with me in dreams when he appeared as himself pre-transition.

I guess I still have a whole lot to unpack.

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Dream: Packages and Mom

Dreams Road SignI don’t really have a witty title for this dream, I wouldn’t call it a nightmare really, or even a bad dream, but it did wake me up and I needed to write it here. Because I only woke up three or four minutes ago, please forgive the grammar/spelling issues.

I was sitting in a living room, sort of similar to my mom’s parents old house. I have very little memories of the house, but it seemed to fit. The room was bathed in a morning light, bright, but diffuse with the curtains, sort of a golden yellowish light.

I looked around the room and there were packages everywhere, getting ready to be delivered. I noticed a very large package sitting in the chair. I never really saw the outside edges of the package because I noticed the package had a hole at the top front.

I could make out a person inside. Part of me knew exactly what I was looking at, even if in that horrible dreamlike state it still moved forward with a “reveal”.

Looking back at me was an older woman, although not quite as old as I remember, the last five months of her life without my dad had aged her. Her skin had a waxy complexion, with what appeared to be warbles. It looked like her body had been through a rough time after she had been embalmed. The reason I thought she was embalmed was the same waxy look my grandparents had when they were buried.

A side note, my mom wasn’t embalmed, both my dad and mom wanted no embalming at all, so I knew even in the dream that it must be a dream, at least part of me did.

Her eyes are what caught me. They were different, damaged, or else changed in a way that I couldn’t tell. I want to say they were golden, almost cat-like in color but with my colorblindness that may not even be what they were. Her eyes would have been a focal point in filming her if it was a monster movie, slowing panning across them. As I was looking at her eyes, trying to figure out what was going on, they shifted and looked back at me.

The dream stuttered for a moment, and then there I was same place, with my mom sitting in the chair (the packaging was gone). Everything else was the same. She had the same complexion, the same weird goldenish eyes that didn’t look right. Her hair looked like it had been dyed sometime recently, it had that straw-like crackle to it, but it wasn’t grey.

We were talking as if we meant to see each other. She was asking me how I was doing, how the hubby was doing, and what had happened after she was gone. It was a very nonchalant conversation.

I then apologized for her eyes and told her I had them donated when she passed, and while they found they couldn’t use them for a cornea transplant, they could use it for research (this is indeed what happened). It dawned on me that is what was wrong with her eyes, the corneas had been removed.

I told her that it is almost a year since she had passed (July 2016). She was reassuring, even with those eyes staring at me. She seemed pleased I had tried. We continued to talk, but the dream was fading.  I knew she loved us, and she knew we loved her..

I woke up, hubby woke up a bit too and I told him a little bit about the dream. He reassured me and I told him to go back to sleep, he needed it. He has a lot of recovering to do. Finally he fell back asleep.

Even as I was in the dream, I knew this dream is more of me dealing with the hubby’s surgery, especially since this is the first major thing I have had to work through (his surgery) without having them still here to talk to me and reassure me that things were going to be ok (well, their deaths was the first time actually, but that doesn’t count).

So I wrote it up here in the dark hotel room, listening to my husband beside me snore and the random HGTV show on the TV.

I am just sitting here missing my mom.