Dreams: A Dark Night and a Patio Door

I had a dream a few days ago, there were a lot of specifics that have faded away, but the root part of the dream still haunts me.

I was in some sort of apartment that was second floor or higher. I was standing in the living room and somebody was talking to me as I was staring out into the dark night. My eyes rested on a  building that was almost kitty corner to me. Instead of it facing towards me though, it was facing 90 degrees, which made the two buildings form an L shape, with a sort of courtyard in the middle.

This was late at night, I could see flashes of light in the distance, and I could see fairly well into an apartment in that building, one story above my level. As if it was the third level of an almost identical building compared to my second level. Both the other apartment, and mine had patio doors that led to nowhere. These were glass like doors that weren’t open at the time, but seemed to open out to a fall of two or three stories.

While I was watching that other door, I started putting on some sort of coat. I think now that it was some sort of rain poncho/rain coat. As I was doing that I saw my dad in that window. He was in his late 40s/early 50s with longer hair. He turned and looked at me from that patio door when all of sudden his face had this look of terror on it as he watched me and he started slamming on the patio door, almost knocking it out. I could see him screaming in horror, rendering himself hoarse.

I was panicking, worrying that he was going to fall out the window and get hurt or die. I could hear muffled screams as his fists slammed harder and harder into the glass (never breaking it). I was trying to figure out a way to get over behind his building and get up to him (because for some reason that was what my mind thought, the only way to get there is to run behind the building). That was when I realized he was trying to warn me, he was looking at something behind me, screaming at me about something. 

The moment the realization that he wasn’t scared for himself, but for me and he was looking behind me was when I woke up.

I got up Saturday morning around 2am, didn’t go back to bed and this dream has been bothering me ever since. I hope writing it out helps like my other dreams and it fades.

 

Dreams: Jail and the Jello

This was a slightly more unusual dream for me. I don’t normally dream about jail or prison, at least not since I am adult and my dad stopped going to jail.

It started with both the hubby and I in jail. It seemed like somewhere in Arizona, we were both arrested and behind bars. It didn’t seem that people knew we were married. The charges weren’t super bad, but it wasn’t just some overnight stay because of a rough night either.

We spent most of the time talking about whether or not they would ever catch the hubby’s trans status. I was fairly sure that would never be detected. He was post surgery like now and there was no reason for them to notice anything.

He did appear slightly more androgynous than he does in reality. He was more slender (without breasts or hips, just smaller like he was when he was very sick). He also appeared like he was wearing eyeliner when he wasn’t. I suspect that is my memory from pre-transition where he wore eyeliner most of the time. He was also covered in a lot more tattoos then he is now (and he has a lot now).

We were talking about what we were going to do when we got out, and he wanted to go down to meet up with some people so we could make some money. Evidently we did a lot of illegal activities (thinking more like Shadowrun cool type things, and not reality banal/stupid shit). It caught me off guard in the dream, since in full disclosure it was the hubby who kept me from following family friends into an MC (also from joining the Army, but that is a separate story).

The rest of the dream is fading now, I just remember being worried about him being discovered though, since we were going to be stuck in jail for more than a few days. We wandered around the jail (more like a prison set up), just chatting. The biggest memory, how much I loved his eyes. Not in a serial killer can I keep them in a jar way, rather in a “I love to look into his eyes” kind of way. I was then awaken by a cat smacking me in the face.

I think overall it is just my post-surgery anxiety. I also suspect the location of an Arizona jail is directly because of being stuck in an Arizona hotel room for 9 days.

Dreams: Corner Store

I woke up this morning with not a horrible dream, but there was something urgent to it. I think it was mostly me processing the hubby’s surgery.

The hubby and I were wandering around, getting him dressed in new clothes. This was post bottom surgery in upcoming November (2017) and he was looking good. As we wandered around the store the looks only got better. I am not sure, but at some point it time I realized it was a bodega that sold clothes he liked. Which is ironic since he hates bodegas.

After a lot of walking and talking that I don’t remember now that I am posting, we wandered up to the cash register. Before we got there to pay, I heard a car pull in and looked out the window to see a pickup truck come rolling in to a stop. It was a rattle canned Mazda pickup that we owned in the mid 9os, but it was the color of our GMC pickup we gave to my dad 10-15 years later. The truck was a conglomeration of two different time periods that we owned a truck (we have owned a truck three times in our relationship).

Out of the car stepped the hubby, pre-transition. He (appearing as a she at the time) was wearing boots, a red dress and had bleach blond hair. I looked back at my hubby and was really confused, as was he. It at least reassured me that my hubby was still beside me, and that he saw “her” as well. The young lady form of him walked up to the counter in a spastic manner that the hubby does even know, paid for something and walked out. I grabbed my current incarnation of a husband and said something about a time loop, or maybe a parallel world (yes, I guess a gamer might think that).

This is what he looked like age wise, including the hair.

 

This dress was the focus with combat boots.

I stepped outside yelling one of Wolsey’s old names (the dress was before our mobile home which means it was 2000 but he looked like when he was 34, which was 2005-6, both of these facts were when he had different names, the dress was before he had taken my last name, the person inside the dress was before he changed his first name to what it currently was). 

We ran out there, but that is when the dream sort of fizzled out. I felt like I couldn’t catch up with my pre-transition husband to tell him something important, and it really was making me anxious.

I think it was to tell him it was ok. Not yet determined specifically what “ok” was, but now I get the impression it was to tell him it was ok to transition. This would be about 10 years earlier then he did judging on how he looked in the dress. I felt like I was failing that person in the dress by not catching up to them, thus failing the person beside me. That is when my eyes opened up and I was awake.

It wasn’t a bad dream, I am sure it is me processing his surgery, but I woke up anxious. Not angry, scared or upset about how he is looking currently, he looks great, I find him hot. It did wake me up though anxious that I am not able to run quite like I did 20 years ago to catch up with him.

The red dress was one of two dresses he wore that have always stuck with me. The red dress in that picture above, and a purplish/tie-dyed sort of effect krinolin dress he wore when we originally got together. Both of those dresses always stuck with me in dreams when he appeared as himself pre-transition.

I guess I still have a whole lot to unpack.

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Dreams: Packages and Mom

Dreams Road SignI don’t really have a witty title for this dream, I wouldn’t call it a nightmare really, or even a bad dream, but it did wake me up and I needed to write it here. Because I only woke up three or four minutes ago, please forgive the grammar/spelling issues.

I was sitting in a living room, sort of similar to my mom’s parents old house. I have very little memories of the house, but it seemed to fit. The room was bathed in a morning light, bright, but diffuse with the curtains, sort of a golden yellowish light.

I looked around the room and there were packages everywhere, getting ready to be delivered. I noticed a very large package sitting in the chair. I never really saw the outside edges of the package because I noticed the package had a hole at the top front.

I could make out a person inside. Part of me knew exactly what I was looking at, even if in that horrible dreamlike state it still moved forward with a “reveal”.

Looking back at me was an older woman, although not quite as old as I remember, the last five months of her life without my dad had aged her. Her skin had a waxy complexion, with what appeared to be warbles. It looked like her body had been through a rough time after she had been embalmed. The reason I thought she was embalmed was the same waxy look my grandparents had when they were buried.

A side note, my mom wasn’t embalmed, both my dad and mom wanted no embalming at all, so I knew even in the dream that it must be a dream, at least part of me did.

Her eyes are what caught me. They were different, damaged, or else changed in a way that I couldn’t tell. I want to say they were golden, almost cat-like in color but with my colorblindness that may not even be what they were. Her eyes would have been a focal point in filming her if it was a monster movie, slowing panning across them. As I was looking at her eyes, trying to figure out what was going on, they shifted and looked back at me.

The dream stuttered for a moment, and then there I was same place, with my mom sitting in the chair (the packaging was gone). Everything else was the same. She had the same complexion, the same weird goldenish eyes that didn’t look right. Her hair looked like it had been dyed sometime recently, it had that straw-like crackle to it, but it wasn’t grey.

We were talking as if we meant to see each other. She was asking me how I was doing, how the hubby was doing, and what had happened after she was gone. It was a very nonchalant conversation.

I then apologized for her eyes and told her I had them donated when she passed, and while they found they couldn’t use them for a cornea transplant, they could use it for research (this is indeed what happened). It dawned on me that is what was wrong with her eyes, the corneas had been removed.

I told her that it is almost a year since she had passed (July 2016). She was reassuring, even with those eyes staring at me. She seemed pleased I had tried. We continued to talk, but the dream was fading.  I knew she loved us, and she knew we loved her..

I woke up, hubby woke up a bit too and I told him a little bit about the dream. He reassured me and I told him to go back to sleep, he needed it. He has a lot of recovering to do. Finally he fell back asleep.

Even as I was in the dream, I knew this dream is more of me dealing with the hubby’s surgery, especially since this is the first major thing I have had to work through (his surgery) without having them still here to talk to me and reassure me that things were going to be ok (well, their deaths was the first time actually, but that doesn’t count).

So I wrote it up here in the dark hotel room, listening to my husband beside me snore and the random HGTV show on the TV.

I am just sitting here missing my mom.

Do something for us

I woke up this morning with a dream that spanned most of the night, even with waking up multiple times. I had to think about it, so a lot of it has disappeared but here is what I remember. The dream is in blue, my commentary is normal black.

I was sitting around a house, the hubby was there and we were talking with some people. A woman sat down next to me, younger but not teen or early early twenties. We were talking and she led me to another part of the house. At first the room looked like our bedroom in our downstairs apartment on Unity Street.

It wasn’t really a bedroom when we lived in it in real life, it was a old living room with a picture window, but the way the house had been cut into apartments it became our bedroom.

There were a couple of couches spread across the room and she sat with me. She was chatting and flirting with me. We sat there talking for awhile and she introduced me to her other friends there (both men and women, and all younger than me, but once again older than their teens/early twenties). They were all very friendly and they seemed to be close with each other.

Time seemed to progress, a couple other girls and a boy were flirty, but they were all concerned about something. I asked them what was wrong and some sort of issue with another group. They all seemed nice, but were never clear about what they needed or what was happening. They seemed to like me, the flirty got a little more hands on, but something about it bothered me and didn’t go too far. I stopped and focused on trying to know who these people were and what they needed.

Something about them hit my need to protect someone, but it was weird enough I wanted to know why I felt that way. They were all younger than me, and while they recognized I was older they were friendly in that “he is just a big dog we picked up in the streets” way. Like I was an adopted stray. It was weird.

They kept approaching me, encouraging me to be intimate with them. However, I was bothered by it. They were ok with it, they didn’t react badly at all and were even vocally ok and asked me to do it. But they didn’t seem interested. It bothered me, so I didn’t try to do anything more, which seemed to throw them off. The conversation kept going, and they kept talking about everyone needs to do something specific, they wanted my help but still weren’t clear about what it was. As a side note, I never found my clothes again, and I spent the rest of the dream wondering where they hell my clothes were.

At some point there was a large hole in the living room floor, it was lit up and I never could tell what was down at the bottom (or maybe I don’t remember). A lot of the people were standing around it (maybe it was a well or pool) and when I was looking down (or attempting to) I put my arm out in front of a young lady who was also there. She looked like she was going to fall in when she was leaning over.

Evidently that was strange to them. They kept asking me why would I do that? Why was I worried for them, and that it wasn’t a big deal. At first I wrote it off as youthful thinking, but it just seemed odd. I kept thinking about it and that bothered me a lot, why wouldn’t I be a bit protective and want to make sure someone didn’t get hurt? The whole time they kept asking me if I would do something for them. I still could never make out exactly what they were saying when they mentioned the actual thing they wanted done.

Little conversations happened when I saw my hubby step out of another bedroom, he was buttoning his shirt and pants back on and I went over to see him. A cute guy was smiling from the other side of the door and I gave him a friendly wave. I turned to my hubby and asked where he was going and what he was doing. He stopped and looked up at me and said he couldn’t tell me. He was going to do something for the group but he couldn’t tell me. That floored me. I was so confused and I asked again and he said something about how I know I can’t ask. We have to keep it to ourselves.

It really bothered me a lot. That is when I was positive no matter what this was a bad place. Jello (hubby) has never kept anything from me, even if would hurt me or make me upset (and the same in return). Not at any point in time in our 25 year marriage (to my knowledge) has he said that. I woke up so angry, not at the hubby, just that the group were assholes, angry I felt protective over them, and wondering what the fuck that dream was about.

Ya, I know it was a bit of a weird dream. I am trying to keep recording these and so I suspect you will get lots of bits of weirdness from me and definitely TMI.

Double Feature

Yep, another post about another dream.

Over the last couple of weeks my anxiety has been kicked up to an 11 due to Wolsey’s surgery, work and just a lot of stuff in my head. Last night I took some meds to go to sleep and ended up having dreams I mostly remember.

The first dream is we were in a house, a real place (sort of in the dream) that I lived at as a child. It mostly consisted of my dad talking to us, giving us shit. We were talking about a girl named Brie Larson who my dad had a fling with in the house (the reality is there was a drunken one night thing in the place I don’t think the girl was named Brie though). My dad was being huge and giving us shit about the place.

For some reason I turned around annoyed when he brought up the place and I said “Well, this is the place where you died too” and everything stopped. It wasn’t of course, he died in a place 30 years later. He just looked at me and I realized he was gone in the real world. He just gave me a small smile and said he loved me.

I woke up and found it was about 1am. I didn’t want to get up and I must have fallen asleep fairly soon after.

The second dream was more intense and longer, but I remember less of it as I am sitting here. I remember it was a hospital and there were many people there. My mom was in the hospital again to get surgery on her heart. In the real world I think I did this with her four times before she had the final problems she died from eventually.

We waited for her to come out and several others that went in for surgery around the same time she did had passed away. there was a lot of stress about her results. After some drama with the nurses and with my sister (which is too close to what happened in real life with my father) I was freaking out. Finally they brought her back out and she was ok. All I could focus on though was how thin her skin felt when I was hugging her. Thats when I woke up.

So there it is, the depressing dreams of the day :).

Cluttered House

Dreams Road SignI am trying to track my dreams again. This morning it was a longer dream, but I laid in bed long enough that a lot of it disappeared.

I dreamt me and the husband were living in a house. My parents were living there as well as my brother. We had been running around doing different things away from the house. I know that involved mostly just me and my hubby, when we got back the place was still cluttered. There were Battletech photocopies everywhere, moving boxes and just a messy floor.

I started cleaning things up and putting them away. For some reason I clearly remember sweeping the floor and picking up the Battletech books and photocopies. I was wondering where my parents were and as I was sweeping I realized why they were gone.

I started looking around in some of the side rooms of the house and couldn’t find them at all, which is unusual since my parents wouldn’t usually leave the house unless they were drinking and I knew they weren’t drinking. I got up to their room and found it empty. That is when it hit me, I knew that they wouldn’t be back.

Then I woke up.