Dream 2-14-2003 (Happy Fucking Valentines day)

Ok, I just woke up from a fucked up dream so I figured I would start writing them down. 

Currently sage only you and me can  read these, At the end of the dream is my feelings and rambling thoughts, by no means please take offense at anything I say they are just random thoughts/feelings/issues that the dream brought up, Please do not feel obliged to read through it, only you have access but by no means do I expect you to read it if you are not interested.
It was afternoon, I think it was Bellingham but its hard to be sure. Me and Sage walked into this small shop that contained a lot of alternate lifestyle (eg, punk not gay) items. They had a lot of books, rings, whips, etc just about anything I could think of. The people that ran the shop were a couple. A super skinny alternative looking boy and his girlfriend who was also super tiny.
 
They both were mostly unclothed, barely had enough clothing on to be allowable in public, but I didnt mind to much. We wandered around the store, there were some cool things but nothing outstanding. Of course the guy was long winded and had the "I am soo cool attitude and was dismissive towards me, focusing all his energies on Sage (this should have been a warning sign to me, but all I felt in the dream was an annoyance at him, the way he acted to me is very similar to the way most of the people Doug and Jay hung out with acted towards me).
 
Meanwhile the cute punk girl was jabbering to me about things, I really wasn't going to buy us anything because we were broke but I looked up and Sage was picking up things she liked so I was going through my wallet, its rare when sage wants to actually buy something so I generally like buying it.
 
She brought over a large stack of stuff to the guy behind the counter, meanwhile the girl was jabbering to me quietly about different books, etc. I was leafing through a book when out of the corner of my eye I see sage pull the boy's pants down and start giving him a blowjob. I looked up confused for a moment, the punk girl was right next to me and mostly naked now, I got the impression at that exact moment that I could have sex with her if I wanted and nothing seemed untoward about the situation.
 
All of a sudden the I got the same exact gut wrenching feeling I had when I saw Sage give Aaron a blow job at the party and I got the brief feeling of rage that I haven't felt in a long while, the urge to cave the punk boy's head in </i>. 
 
The rage hit me so hard I immediately woke up incredibly angry and hurt. I still am feeling the same angry buzz I felt that night. I just dont know why I am so upset about something that happened like 7 years ago. That was a long time ago and I feel fine with sage now (well whenever sage drank I got a wierd protective thing because with the exception of one party at Weylin's mom's house she always seemed interested in sex with everyone but me).
The following is for my personal clarification, Sage nothing that follows is directly at you, its just me putting fears to rest.
 
I guess I have been a bit stressed about our physical relationship, I am not mad at all at Sage for not wanting sex, she has been stressed by midterms, Weylin, and things in general. I think I just get feeling she would rather have someone else. I know its not true and that I shouldn’t even worry but I sometimes wonder if Sage would be happier if we didn’t have sex as  part of our relationship, I mean we haven’t had intercourse since August and other types of sex are not very common either. I get totally terrified that somehow I have missed the boat. I personally am extremely interested in having sex with sage, this is normal for my family (lol and from what sage says its normal for hers).
 
I just get worried that Sage would rather be with someone else, I honestly don’t worry too much about boys I am sure if she strayed it would probably be with a girl.
 
Sad part is I don’t know how to talk to sage about this without sounding like a sex starved fiend, which is not the case. I guess I am just angry at myself for letting certain past things occur and not caving in some people’s heads when the situation came about.
 
Honestly its 6am and I am not even sure what I am ranting about. I guess the dream was an externalization of the fears I have that sage is tired of me physically. Its weird I used to always think Sage didn’t love me anymore (not that she did anything to encourage the belief she didn’t love me, it was just low self esteem talking).  I just get worried that maybe physically I am not attractive to her, I know that she loves me and that the physical part shouldn’t matter but it does to me. 
 
I will stop now, I have no idea what I am doing or saying and Weylin just woke up and is roaming around so its not a thing I wish to dwell on. It was just a gut wrenching dream and I felt I needed to start a dream journal to maybe work through some of the fears/feelings I get from the dreams.This is mostly tool for me to work through things, not to pressure you sage, none of my dream postings will be meant as messages for you.
 

 

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